It’s a very merry Christmas on the Malex Minute this year! At least nothing too horrible goes wrong this time…
Malex: That’s right, it’s that time of year again… Merry Christmas, everybody!
Linus: Bah, humbug.
Snufflefungus: What’s Christmas?
Malex: What?! You don’t– Oh. Oh, of course, it’s been less than a year since you arrived. So this is Snuffy’s first Christmas!
Linus: If you must know, Christmas is a crass, commercialized, pathetic excuse to whip people up into a buying frenzy.
Snufflefungus: Can I have a buying frenzy too?
Linus: Sure! I’ll even sign you up for one of my credit cards with a low, low 75% interest rate!
Malex: Linus! How could you? Christmas is a time of caring and sharing… It’s when we celebrate the birth of Jesus!
Linus: Speak for yourself, buster. If you asked ten people to list twenty things that strike them most about Christmas, you might have one say Jesus… And even then He wouldn’t be at the top of the list.
Snufflefungus: Wait… I’m confused.
Malex: I concede that most people have their priorities completely out of whack, but that’s not an excuse for us to follow them into their madness…
Linus: I think you’re just mad because your parents never bought you that BB gun for Christmas.
Malex: Dude, that was a low blow.
Linus: Well you had it comin’.
Malex: Before things degenerate into violence, I think we should answer a question we recently got in our email inbox. It’s from The Shaman in Ohio. He asks, “Where are the big men with clubs? Shouldn’t they have thawed out by now?”
Snufflefungus: Oh yeah! (Chuckles.) We never did tell the listeners about that!
Linus: It was one of Malex’s best ideas ever.
Malex: Well, The Shaman… You’re right. If the big men with clubs had been left in the sun or in a dumpster somewhere, they would surely have thawed out by now and resumed their irrational mission to attack me with clubs and steal my soul. Since I like my soul right where it is, I went out to the local appliance mart and purchased the biggest chest freezer they had. The big men with clubs have been in there ever since.
Linus: I’m thinking that we should eventually thaw them out and make them do our bidding.
Malex: Don’t you think they might be a little difficult to control?
Linus: Aren’t we all?
Malex: That’s… Never mind.
Snufflefungus: Can you tell me more about Christmas? Like what’s this big tree doing in our living room?
Linus: It’s pagan.
Malex: It’s traditional. It doesn’t actually have any significance to a Christian interpretation of the holiday, but there’s nothing wrong with using a tree to help decorate your house.
Snufflefungus: I think it’s kind of creepy.
Malex: Um… Right.
Linus: I still say it’s pagan. What could be more chaotic than inviting a tree – the ultimate symbol of the great outdoors – into your house. It surely must represent some kind of demonic disarray.
Malex: Well, moving right along… Even though Christmas has been completely hijacked by the world around us, we still use it to help remind us of Jesus’ birth and life, not to even mention his death and resurrection.
Snufflefungus: What do you mean ‘resurrection?’
Malex: Well, Jesus proved to everyone that He was God by defeating death and coming back to life after he had been completely killed.
Snufflefungus: Oh, wow.
Malex: That’s the main reason why Christmas is so established as a positive thing, even though most people don’t actually remember it. Instead, people just tend to feel warm and fuzzy on Christmas, and often either visit their family or call them on the phone.
Snufflefungus: Oh! I suddenly remember! … How do I use the phone?
Linus: You just pick it up and dial the number.
Snufflefungus: How do I use it to reach a specific person?
Malex: With the number…
Snufflefungus: How does that work?
Linus: Each person has a different number.
Snufflefungus: How do I figure out what number somebody has?
Malex: Well you usually just ask them.
Snufflefungus: How, over the phone?
Linus: No, in person. Unless they call you.
Snufflefungus: But… For them to call me, they would need my number, right?
Snufflefungus: I don’t think we gave my parents my number before we left my home planet.
Malex: Oh, that’s bad.
Linus: You know, you might have a problem anyway.
Snufflefungus: What’s that?
Linus: You can’t really place phone calls from planet to planet.
Linus: Ha ha, that’s just too bad.
Malex: Linus, go figure out a way for Snufflefungus to call his parents.
Linus: What? Me?!
Malex: That’s right mister sarcastic and bitter… If you have such a negative opinion of Christmas, you can just spend it wandering through space.
Linus: Aw, man…
Malex: Well look at the time everybody! Looks like we need to call it quits for today. Don’t forget to email us at Malex at MalexMedia.Net so we can answer your email in an upcoming episode! Hope you enjoyed the episode, and we’d love to have you join us next week for more fun and madness on the Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Release manager: Alex Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.