The Lost Colon(y) of Roanoke! (And it can only get better from here, folks. Yeehaw.)
Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute everybody! I’m Malex, and I’ve got a cough you wouldn’t believe!
Snufflefungus: Yeah, he’s not kidding, folks, it sounds like he’s got an angry swarm of tulips rattling around in there!
Linus: Never mind the tulips, we’re just mentioning all of this to explain why Malex sounds like the Surgeon General’s poster child.
Malex: I do not!
Snufflefungus: Poor poster child…
Malex: Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, today is a special Malex Minute! Today, we’re going to answer an email from one of you! It’s gonna be great, so just send an email to Malex At MalexMedia.Net, and we’ll do our best to… well, you know… answer it right away!
Snufflefungus: So get those emails rolling already!
Malex: … Hmm… I was sure this would work.
Linus: The problem, my friend, is that no one listens to your show.
Malex: (As one word.) No wait, here’s an email now! (Disappointed.) No, wait… It’s for you.
Linus: Oh, my domain name is up for renewal.
Malex: Your domain name?
Linus: Yeah! LinusIsSatan.com… It’s been my home page for a while now, but it keeps getting taken down by the goons at my hosting company.
Snufflefungus: But you’re not Satan! That’s somebody else! Somebody else is Satan!
Malex: Yes, Snuffy. That’s true. Linus, you’re not nursing delusions of grandeur, are you?
Linus: (Robotic, like reciting.) No, I know full well that I’m just a laptop, and completely incapable of harming anything.
Linus: But, the schoolchildren don’t need to know that!
Snufflefungus: (Interrupts.) Hey look! We got an email from someone who claims not to be Little Red Riding Squirrel.
Linus: Funny… Who in their right mind would ever bother claiming they’re not Little Red Riding Squirrel?
Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, of course.
Linus: He’s never in his right mind, you dope!
Malex: Touche, my fragile plastic friend. Touche.
Snufflefungus: He goes on to ask if anything interesting ever happened in history.
Malex: Is he an idiot? Plenty of interesting things happened in history!
Linus: Like what, for example?
Snufflefungus: Like whatever happened to the colon-ists from the lost colony of Roanoke?! It’s a mystery which has never been solved!
Linus: I solved the mystery. I know what happened to the colonists.
Snufflefungus: (In awe.) You do?
Linus: They’re dead. Every single one of them is dead.
Snufflefungus: Yeah… You know, you’re probably right.
Malex: Snufflefungus does have a point though, there are plenty of interesting aspects to that whole story.
Linus: Name one!
Malex: Well, Sir Walter Raleigh for one.
Linus: Oh? What did he ever do that was interesting?
Snufflefungus: He colon-ized Virginia…
Linus: That’s ‘colonized,’ not ‘colon-ized,’ and he actually failed to colonize Virginia. Twice!
Malex: It says here that he fought some battles and he wrote some poetry, too.
Linus: (Dismissive.) Yes, yes, and then he got himself executed. I’ve heard it all before, and none of it is ever interesting!
Malex: (Drawn out.) Okay then…
Snufflefungus: At least this non-Little Red Riding Squirrel person asked a legitimate question. I’ll always wonder who it was…
Linus: … It was Little Red Riding Squirrel.
Snufflefungus: (Laughs confusedly.) No it wasn’t…
Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, it looks like we’re out of time for the Malex Minute today. Perhaps, if you send an email to Malex at MalexMedia.Net, we’ll be able to talk about it next week!
Linus: Or maybe even answer it!
Snufflefungus: But if he said he wasn’t Little Red Riding Squirrel, how could he really be Little Red Riding Squirrel?
Linus: On second thought – about the ‘answering’ thing… Maybe we’re not capable.
Malex: Good grief, and good night.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley, Peter Markley, and Gabriel Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Aisling
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.