~~ Introduction

Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Malex, and I host this pathological excuse for a comedy show along with my partners in crime: Linus the Laptop and Snufflefungus the Fur-Thing!

Snufflefungus: I like pathological. It tastes good with bagels.

Linus: I see you’re none the worse for the wear. Our big outing last quarter must not have fazed you in the least.

Snufflefungus: What big outing?

Malex: Anyway, Ladies and Gents, this episode marks the beginning of a brand new Malex Minute quarter!

Snufflefungus: Did we go somewhere?

Linus: Yes, Snuffy. We did.

Malex: Here’s something really awesome: We’re just beginning Malex Minute Quarter Four, and this is Episode 040!

Linus: So?

Malex: Well, it’s a complete fluke of math, and it’ll never happen again! In fact, the next time a quarter begins on a number which is evenly divisible by ten will be the beginning of Quarter Fourteen at episode 170. Which is even interesting all by itself, because that’s just after the end of Quarter Thirteen, which is special too, because there are thirteen episodes in every quarter!

Linus: Why do you even have to use base ten? Things would be a lot less complicated if you’d just use base thirteen.

Snufflefungus: I remember! We went to the grocery store!

Linus: No, Snuffy, that’s not what I was thinking of.

Malex: Snufflefungus, we went to rescue your family from slavery, and it turned out more like some idealistic example of a labor dispute than anything else.

Snufflefungus: Oh yeah! I remember that.

Malex: Funny how nobody seems to have missed us.

Linus: Well, one thing did happen while we were gone: Some thieving hoodlums broke into what was left of your house.

Malex: Yes, yes they did.

Snufflefungus: After all of the violence at the end of Quarter Two, Malex’s house was left almost completely destroyed!

Linus: How come you remember that and not… Oh never mind.

Malex: Fortunately, nothing was actually stolen. Instead, they left a note.

Snufflefungus: What did the note say?

Malex: Well, it has a big red heading on it that says, ‘Code Violation.’ Then it goes on to say, “Your place of residence has been searched by your local Burglar’s Union Representatives, and has been found to violate our code in one or more areas. If you fail to conform to our demands by the next time we visit, you will be persecuted to the fullest extent. See the checked items in the following list to determine the exact nature of the violation or violations.”

Linus: Arrgh, that makes my blood boil every time I hear it!

Malex: You don’t have any blood. You’re a laptop.

Linus: Oh, that’s right. Well then I couldn’t care less.

Snufflefungus: What did they say were the violations?

Malex: Well, there’s quite a list. First, they checked the box next to, “Nothing interesting/valuable to steal.” They also checked: “Failure to provide adequate refreshments in the fridge/freezer,” “Extraordinary levels of disarray/mess,” and, “Tasteless decor.”

Snufflefungus: Of all the cheek!

Linus: Yeah, that’s pretty bad.

Snufflefungus: Can’t we do something about it?!

Malex: Like what?

Snufflefungus: Like, call the police or something!

Linus: (Laughs bitterly.) Poor, naive Snufflefungus.

Malex: We’re talking about the Burglar’s Union. Key word being, in this case, Union.

Snufflefungus: So? I like union. It goes good on Ice Cream!

Linus: Not this kind…

Malex: As far as anyone can tell, a union is a mob of angry people which is organized to the point that it’s more powerful than the rest of the world. And, like any other group of angry people with limitless power, they tend to hurt anyone or anything that gets in their way.

Snufflefungus: I’m not very smart, but isn’t that the sort of thing the police are supposed to prevent?

Linus: Only in a perfect world, Snuffy. Only in a perfect world.

Snufflefungus: Well, I suppose we’ll have to do what they say.

Malex: Yup, I suppose so.

Linus: So what now?

Snufflefungus: I’m making dinner tonight!

Malex: Oh?

Snufflefungus: Yeah! I found a great recipe for Lamellate Haberdashery with a side of undertones!

Malex: Sounds great! Sadly, I’ve got to go eat at Taco King tonight instead. Sorry I’ll have to miss it.

Linus: I’m just thankful I can’t eat. It always simplifies this sort of situation.

Snufflefungus: Well, I guess I can wait until tomorrow to make it…

Malex: Well everybody, looks like we’re out of time for this week. Thanks a bunch for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week on the Malex Minute!

Linus: That is, of course, assuming Malex survives Snuffy’s cooking phase.

Malex: Say goodbye to the listeners, Snuffy.

Snufflefungus: Goodbye to the listener’s Snuffy!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.