~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, welcome to the Malex Minute! You’re listening to the second half of a two-parter, so if you didn’t hear the first half, you’d better go back and give it a listen before continuing.

Malex: Last time, my companions and I finally arrived at Snufflefungus’s home planet to free his race from their enslavement here. Unfortunately, we came entirely unprepared, and while we tried to get ready to start an uprising, Snufflefungus vanished! We assume he’s been captured by the nefarious slave-trading scum that populate the planet. Anyway, we weren’t sure what to do, so Mister Anonymous pointed us in the direction we needed to go.

Linus: So we’re just now bursting into the library to confront the man in charge!

Echofly: Meanwhile, what really did happen to our cute ‘the Snufflefungus?’

Snufflefungus: Oh no! I’ve been captured!

Snuffy’s Mom: Snuffy! Is that you?!

Snufflefungus: Mom?! It’s me! I’m here!

Snuffy’s Mom: Mister Snufflefungus! Look at this!

Snufflefungus: Wait, our family is really called ‘Snufflefungus?’ I thought that was just supposed to be an insult by Malex!

Snuffy’s Mom: Oh, we’re all called Snufflefungus; you know that! Of course, you never were the best at remembering things.

Snuffy’s Dad: Well, if it isn’t the young Snuffy! How’ve you been, son?

Snufflefungus: I’ve been fine! I’ve been on many adventures with my new friends, Malex the Human and Linus the Laptop! I’m a radio star, too! It’s so fun!

Snuffy’s Mom: Well it’s just good to see you back, Snuffy.

Snuffy’s Dad: What are you doing back, anyway? I thought they kicked you out because you were bad at the work!

Snufflefungus: Work? What work?

~~ Meanwhile, in the library’s administrative area.

Malex: Hey, we need to speak to the man in charge!

Linus: Yeah, and fast! I’ve got a USB-powered gun, and I’m not afraid to use it!

Man in Charge: I’m the man in charge. What can I do for you?

Echofly: We’re here to free our friend and his race from slavery, pal!

Man in Charge: That’s nice, but why can’t you do it somewhere else?

Malex: What?! Cur! They’ve been enslaved here! In this very building!

Linus: Yeah! What he said!

Man in Charge: You must be mistaken; there’s nobody enslaved here.

Malex: Oh, a conspiracy, eh?! We’ll show you!

Man in Charge: Wait! Please! Just who is meant to be enslaved here?

Linus: Snufflefungus, you idiot biped!

Man in Charge: I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with anyone called Snufflefungus.

Echofly: Wow, this guy really is dense.

Malex: Linus, show him a picture.

Linus: Sure thing, boss.

Man in Charge: What? You’ve got to be joking!

~~ Meanwhile, in the library’s information area.

Snufflefungus: What work, dad? What work did they kick me out for being bad at?

Snuffy’s Dad: This work, of course! Your memory was so poor that you made a terrible computer interface, so they plucked you out and gave you the toss. I even tried to go after you, but they found me and put me back.

Snuffy’s Mom: It was a terrible time.

Snufflefungus: Well I’m back now, and I’ve brought all of my friends to help free you and everyone else here!

Snuffy’s Dad: Well why would you want do something like that?

Snufflefungus: Because! … Um, why wouldn’t I want to… not do it?

Snuffy’s Dad: I thought I raised you better than that, son.

Snuffy’s Mom: Snuffy, your memory has always been so poor, so I know you didn’t know. The big oafs that run this place are too stupid to run their own computers, so we do it for them. In exchange, they give us free food and a place to stay. We don’t want to rock the boat, so we never talk to them.

Snufflefungus: But they treat you like slaves!

Snuffy’s Dad: They’re so uncivilized, that’s probably how they treat their own families! They can’t even communicate using telepathy; all they can do is grunt unintelligibly.

Snufflefungus: So none of us has ever communicated with them?

Snuffy’s Mom: Nope!

Snufflefungus: Never?!

Snuffy’s Dad: Never.

~~ Meanwhile, back in the library’s administrative area.

Man in Charge: Here, I’ll show you. That picture is one of the Data Processing Units we use in the library.

Echofly: Data processing units?!

Malex: That’s horrible!

Linus: Yeah! You can’t talk about my friend like that!

Man in Charge: Well I’m sorry. We just have no other name for them. They can’t speak or anything. They’re not even sentient, but we take good care of them anyway.

Malex: How can you say they’re not sentient?!

Man in Charge: We’ve tried to communicate with them, but they don’t react at all. Except to data. Long, long ago, we developed a telepathic information infrastructure around the proven fact that they process data at blinding speeds. We could never build a non-organic information infrastructure that efficient. Now here’s our information area. We have a dictionary section, a thesaurus section, and many other reference-related sections. In fact, most of the reference-related queries on the planet are routed through here.

Echofly: How could you do that to Snuffy’s family! Snufflefungus is our friend!

Man in Charge: You keep saying that, but how could he be your friend if he can’t talk or anything?

Snufflefungus: Hi Malex! Come over here, this is my mom and my dad!

Echofly: There, see!

Man in Charge: Wha! I can hardly believe it!

Snufflefungus: Believe what?

Linus: Yeah! A peaceful solution in sight! Wait… Does this mean I don’t get to use my USB gun?! Aw, darn!

Echofly: Linus, stop swinging that around!

Malex: So what do you have to say to that, Man in Charge?! Huh?

Man in Charge: All these centuries, and you guys are an intelligent race?

Snufflefungus: Yup! They just didn’t bother understanding or speaking your language before!

Snuffy’s Dad: Hello, everybody! I guess it is really pretty easy to speak with your mouth if you put your mind to it.

Snuffy’s Mom: So it is, dear. So it is.

Linus: So now what?

Malex: Now we go on a quest to find the Snufflefungi a home planet of their own!

Snuffy’s Dad: Uh, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

Man in Charge: Please don’t do that! If they leave, our economy will collapse! Tell you what, why don’t we start paying you and upgrading your quarters right away!

Snuffy’s Mom: Ooh, wages!

Snuffy’s Dad: Hey, sounds good to me. And, according to my telepathy, everybody else on the network agrees.

Man in Charge: Great! Thank you so much! I’ll get working on the paperwork right away!

Echofly: Wait, that’s it?

Linus: No gunfire?!

Malex: No long, drawn-out conflict?!

Snufflefungus: I like uprisings! We should have them more often!

Linus: Can we go home now?

Malex: We didn’t even have to use Echofly’s healing powers! Not even once!

Echofly: Hey, that’s fine with me. Besides, I still say that was all in your head.

Malex: Oh, right.

Snuffy’s Dad: So, Son. You staying here this time?

Snufflefungus: Probably not. I think I’m still bad at this kind of work, and I’m a radio star back on Earth!

Snuffy’s Mom: Well son, if that’ll make you happy. Just remember to call sometimes!

Snufflefungus: I will, Mom, I will!

Echofly: Seriously, can we go home now?

Malex: Sure! To Earth!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with guest appearances by Madame Librarian as Echofly and by Sang Ming as Snuffy’s Mom.

Post-processing directors: Aisling and Gabriel Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to L.G. for use of the Office sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.