~~ Introduction

Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, everybody! I’m Malex, and I’m hosting the show, along with Linus the Laptop and Snufflefungus the furry, furry fuzzball!

Snufflefungus: I’m just so fuzzy!

Linus: Watch as I valiantly try to avoid saying anything profoundly negative!

Snufflefungus: I don’t see anything…

Linus: I hate you.

Malex: We have some exciting news today, folks. Despite last week’s severe disruption, we now have stuffed Snufflefungus toys available to purchase at MalexMedia.Net/Store!

Snufflefungus: They’re sleeping in my closet, and they creep me out!

Linus: I thought they were ‘cute.’ (Heavy sarcasm.)

Snufflefungus: They are! They’re almost as cute as I am! It’s just… They never blink.

Malex: Um, they’re stuffed toys.

Snufflefungus: (Slightly distressed.) But they look so real!

Linus: Get the man a chill pill; he’s flipping out!

Snufflefungus: Chill. Noun. A moderate but unpleasant coldness. Other matches found for ‘chill.’ Would you like additional information?

Malex: No.

Snufflefungus: I feel better now!

Malex: Hey guys, I know it’s been a while, but did we ever figure out Snufflefungus’s story?

Linus: He randomly broke into our studio, claimed to be “searching for his memories,” and now he won’t go away.

Snufflefungus: The current best explanation is that I escaped to here from my home planet and erased my own memories because of how horrible they were.

Malex: Oh? And what was so horrible about your previous life?

Snufflefungus: My whole race is enslaved as reference drones! We were constantly forced to look up pieces of information for the dominant species of life on my home planet! I was a dictionary slave, and my job was to look up words in the dictionary!

Linus: And everything falls together like the plot of a B movie.

Malex: Enslaved, huh?

Linus: B is for bomb! B is for just plain bad!

Malex: Hey guys… The house is a wreck.

Snufflefungus: Yes!

Malex: No, the house is a really real wreck. It’s bad! We’ve got a burned out kitchen, soggy walls, and to top it all off, we’ve got the carcasses of a hundred penguins all over the place! It’s starting to smell!

Linus: Have fun cleaning it up. There are plenty of good points to not having any hands, and I’m reaping them in right now.

Malex: I think we should go rescue Snufflefungus’s family.

Linus: (Horrified.) What?

Snufflefungus: Really?!

Linus: No way!

Malex: I’m serious! It would be like a vacation, only we’d be doing something grand!

Linus: That’s what you said last time, when you and Icepunk were captured!

Malex: We saved Earth from complete and utter destruction!

Linus: So you say.

Snufflefungus: How are we going to get there?

Malex: The spaceship that Icepunk and I stole during our escape is still in my garage! We can use it!

Snufflefungus: You have a spaceship?!

Malex: Yup!

Snufflefungus: Wow!

Linus: Am I the only one who thinks this is a really bad idea?

~~ In the garage.

Malex: Okay, here we go. Now let’s just start this thing up, and… Wha–?

Linus: What’s wrong?

Malex: It looks like this ship’s operating system configuration has changed. It’s a little disorienting.

Linus: So change it back.

Malex: I, uh, can’t. It’s not in English anymore.

Linus: What? What language is it in?!

Malex: I don’t know! Some alien language, I assume. Your guess is as good as mine.

Linus: Well how could this have possibly happened?

Malex: I don’t know! It was set up right last time I– Unless…

Snufflefungus: I’m sorry! I thought it was a toy! I didn’t know!

Linus: It’s okay Snuffy. We might as well give up all of this tomfoolery anyway.

Malex: I think I– Wait. Okay? I think I get it. If memory serves, this should… work.

Linus: We’re all going to die in the cold black of space.

Malex: I think we should go invite Echofly along.

Snufflefungus: Didn’t she go back home to… not here?

Linus: Why would you want to bring her along, anyway?

Malex: Well, this could be a very dangerous mission. People could get hurt. And she has those healing powers that could come in very useful. Besides, I don’t like being the only one with limbs when we’re talking about a month-long excursion.

Snufflefungus: Healing powers? You said something about healing powers?

Malex: Oh yeah, we discovered that she could infuse energy into wounded people and critters – help ’em heal faster. We never did figure out exactly how it works.

Linus: Didn’t she move to another state?

Malex: Yeah, but this thing can move pretty fast. We’re almost there now.

Linus: Let me clarify. Didn’t she move to another state because she hates you?

Malex: Nah, last time we saw her, I got her to give me her current phone number and address.

Linus: I doubt she was expecting to be invited on a suicide mission to some horrible planet thousands of light-years away.

Malex: Nah, she’ll be excited to come!

~~ Outside Echofly’s apartment.

Echofly: What?! Are you mad?!

Malex: I try not to be.

Echofly: An excursion to another planet?!

Malex: It’s not really an excursion, we’re looking to rescue the Snufflefungus’s family!

Snufflefungus: It’s a problem.

Echofly: Sorry, Snuffy. As cute as you are, this planet causes me enough problems already. Another one would just be overkill.

Linus: I think it’s a bad idea too! Can I stay with you?

Echofly: Look guys, I’m sorry, but we’ve got to keep this short. I’m late for work.

Linus: Really? Where do you work?

Echofly: I’m working at the library right now. It’s a little slow, but I like it.

Snufflefungus: I used to work at a library too! Only I was a slave, and it was horrible!

Echofly: Okay, wow.

Malex: Echofly, I know it’s annoying, but we have a moral obligation to help the Snuffies! Besides, you’re the only one who has the healing power!

Echofly: Healing power? You still believe that was for real?

Malex: Um, yes.

Echofly: ’Cause I’m not at all convinced. It was a really confused time, and I just think it’s so improbable. I mean, healing? Come on!

Malex: (Slightly harsh.) Will just you quit doubting yourself and get in the spaceship? Of every stupid sap on this planet, you’re the only one that can help us.

Echofly: Really?

Malex: Yeah.

Echofly: Okay.

Snufflefungus: Yay, now we can go save my family!

Linus: Why oh why?

Malex: Okay guys, strap yourselves in… I’m still not 100% positive I understand this alien operating system so we might get some turbulence, but we should be good after that.

Echofly: Alien operating system? What?

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Madame Librarian as Echofly.

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to S. Verga for use of the Birds In Spring sound effect.

Thanks to Bliss for use of the Brown Noise Low Frequency Carpet sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.