~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here! Things sure have been crazy around here the past few weeks!

Snufflefungus: Have they?

Malex: Well yes, they have. Our music computer and our video editing workstation both crashed on us without any warning.

Linus: Madness!

Malex: Indeed it was. We had to completely replace the video editing computer. And I’ll tell you, that was not an expense we needed just now.

Snufflefungus: Does this mean I can’t go on my trip to the Bahamas?

Malex: Hmm?

Linus: Oh, it’s nothing.

Malex: What’s nothing?

Snufflefungus: Well, Linus said we could go to the Bahamas if I did him a favor.

Linus: It’s really not important…

Malex: What kind of favor?

Snufflefungus: I’m supposed to yell, “Fire!” in a crowded theater!

Malex: Linus, how could you!?

Linus: Hey, I’m sure it was all a misunderstanding!

Malex: Snufflefungus, you should never do anything like that! It’s against the law!

Snufflefungus: Why? Linus said I’m protected by freedom of speech!

Malex: Not in that situation, Snuffy.

Snufflefungus: Does that mean I don’t have freedom of speech?

Linus: And the horrible truth comes out.

Malex: No! I mean, yes. That is to say, there are certain things you can’t say, but it’s all for a good reason!

Snufflefungus: I see how it is. Your government wants to oppress Snuffies!

Malex: Not at all!

Snufflefungus: It’s like on my home planet! Soon, we’ll all be enslaved! (Sobs.)

Linus: Malex, see what you’ve done?

Malex: Shut up, you! You’re as responsible as I am.

Alex Markley: (Coughs.) I hope I’m not intruding on anything.

Linus: Not really…

Malex: Who are you?

Alex Markley: I’m Alex Markley, of course. I’m the owner and operator of the Malex Media Network!

Malex: What?! You lie! You don’t even exist!

Alex Markley: Cur! You’re a figment of my imagination!

Malex: Me? A figment of your imagination?! Listen, buddy, as massive as you are, your brain is far, far too small to imagine something as incredibly complex as myself.

Alex Markley: Ha.

Snufflefungus: Wow, talk about being beside yourself!

Linus: Fascinating, isn’t it?

Malex: What are you doing here, anyway?

Alex Markley: I’m here to inform you that the Malex Minute is hereby canceled!

Malex: Canceled?!

Snufflefungus: I love us! We can’t be canceled!

Linus: I can’t really stand this show, but I wouldn’t wish an ending like this on my worst enemy.

Malex: Look buddy, there’s gotta be something we can do! You can’t just cancel us outright!

Alex Markley: Well, the budget is tight! We’ve had to have two computers repaired and one completely replaced in the last week. That sort of thing doesn’t come cheap, you know.

Malex: Yes, I know.

Alex Markley: The only way we can justify keeping this show around is for its promotional value.

Snufflefungus: Promotional value? What promotional value?

Alex Markley: Precisely my point! People need to hear what they want to hear! We’ve got to listen to the polls!

Linus: (Sarcastic.) Oh? And what do the polls tell us?

Alex Markley: People like the Snufflefungus, and they are sympathetic toward the plight of Snufflefungus’s family!

Snufflefungus: You mean how my whole race is enslaved on my home planet?

Alex Markley: Precisely!

Malex: So what are you saying? We should go free all the Snuffies?

Linus: Would that keep us on the air?

Alex Markley: I think it would.

Malex: Oh good. I was worried there for a minute.

Alex Markley: Oh, one more thing. With all of the computer trouble recently, we’ll have to cut back your computing budget.

Snufflefungus: What does that mean?

Malex: Uh oh…

Alex Markley: It means that I’m here to confiscate Linus the Laptop and sell him to recover some of the funds!

Linus: Sell me? What?! No!

Snufflefungus: Don’t take Linus, mister! He’s my best friend!

Malex: Look buddy, Linus is my personal property. You can’t sell him.

Alex Markley: Don’t forget, you are a figment of my imagination, my friend. You can’t own anything.

Linus: Help! I am a kitten! (Garbled.)

Snufflefungus: Oh no, it sounds like Linus is broken!

Malex: That’s his logic board for sure. He’s worthless now.

Alex Markley: You think that will stop me from selling him? I’m sure some of his parts are worth something!

Malex: Back off!

Snufflefungus: I’ll bite! I swear I will!

Alex Markley: Get out of my way, fur thing! (Gets chomped.) Ow! I say!

Malex: That’s gotta smart.

Linus: (Garbled.)

Alex Markley: Arrgh! It burns!

Malex: Snuffy, is your bite poisonous?

Snufflefungus: Only a little bit.

Alex Markley: The chipmunks! The rabid chupminks are after me! Help! Jump rope will help… I need to jump rope! I need a jump rope! Gotta get away from the ’munks! Hop! Hop! Hop!

Snufflefungus: Snuffy poison: Causes severe burning and long-term madness. Avoid at all costs.

Malex: I’ll have to remember that. At least we won’t be hearing from him for a while.

Linus: (Garbled.)

Malex: Linus, I’ll assume you were faking your madness to avoid being sold. (Silence.) Right? (Silence.)

Snufflefungus: I think he’s dead.

Malex: Great. Just great.

Linus: I was just faking. I’m glad to see I managed to garner some sympathy though.

Malex: Good. Grand. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I think that’s about all the time we have for now! Thanks for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.