~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here! Last episode, Snufflefungus’s Monkey Plushy managed to open a portal to some limbo dimension and release a horde of demonic, undead war criminals into our house.

Snufflefungus: They were pretty creepy.

Malex: Quite! Anyhow, they overran our entire kitchen before overflowing into the rest of the house.

Linus: And now we’re hiding in the basement.

Malex: One or two of them have come down looking for coffee, but aside from that, we’ve been pretty safe down here.

Linus: Wasn’t the original plan to simply wait down here for the whole thing to blow over?

Snufflefungus: Yes!

Malex: Plan? There was no plan! We were running for our sanity!

Linus: Well I was just going to say that it doesn’t sound like they’re leaving any time soon.

Malex: No. No, it doesn’t.

Snufflefungus: Are they line-dancing up there?

Malex: I hope not. Good grief, I hate that song.

Linus: Didn’t you write this song?

Malex: (Gritted teeth.) Yes…

Snufflefungus: But why don’t you like your own music?

Malex: Oh, the song is fine. It’s just starting to wear a little thin after having heard it sixteen hundred times in a row.

Linus: You know, it’s your own darn fault for leaving the stupid CD in the stereo.

Snufflefungus: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I like it just as much now as I did last week when they started looping it.

Monkey: (Chuckles.) They sure can be a rowdy bunch.

Malex: Whoa! (Surprised.) How the heck did you get in here?

Monkey: Oh, I have my ways.

Linus: What do you want, stuffed vermin?! Why won’t you leave us in peace?!

Snufflefungus: Yeah, why did you have to turn out to be a bad guy? All I wanted was a stuffed toy to play with!

Monkey: Easy come, easy go, kid. Easy come, easy go.

Malex: Listen, Monkey. I appreciate your reasons for wanting to free your comrades, but can’t you lead them away from my house? Haven’t you done enough damage?

Monkey: Oh, I don’t know, I think they’ve taken a liking to your house.

Malex: Ah. I was afraid of that.

Monkey: Also, I hate you. So… the idea of tormenting you in your own house has a certain appeal to it.

Malex: I was afraid of that too.

Snufflefungus: Bad monkey plushy! Bad!

Monkey: Why thank you, fur beast. I shall go now and let you cower in your own unfinished basement.

Linus: See you later!

Monkey: Oh you will, laptop, you will.

Linus: Ooh, ooh, when we do, maybe we can scatter your forces, mutilate your body, and burn down your home!

Monkey: Ha! Don’t count on it.

Malex: Linus! They’ve made this their home. You would be burning down our own house!

Linus: It was just a figure of speech, you moron.

Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) Did you not see that?! Monkey plushy just vanished!

Malex: No, I did not see that.

Linus: I don’t see anything too.

Snufflefungus: Exactly my point!

Malex: Okay guys, we can’t stand for this. We’ve got to do something!

Linus: Like what? Cower some more? I’m sure you’re all over that.

Snufflefungus: Malex?

Malex: What?! We’re not cowering! This is a strategic retreat!

Linus: Sure it is. And I’m Abraham Lincoln, come back from the dead to watch the rest of the show!

Snufflefungus: Malex…?

Malex: I see you’ve finally mastered the art of meaningless-yet-witty repartee!

Linus: That’s right, and you haven’t! How does it feel to be as stupid as you are? Do you feel ‘lightheaded’ all the time?

Malex: You little cuss! I’m gonna–

Snufflefungus: Malex!

Malex: What?!

Snufflefungus: I have to go to the bathroom.

Linus: Uh oh.

Snufflefungus: (Worried.) I know…

Malex: Snufflefungus, the only bathroom is upstairs.

Snufflefungus: (More worried.) I know.

Malex: With the demons.

Snufflefungus: (Worried; defensive.) I know! But I have to go potty!

Linus: Uh, aren’t we recording the show right now?

Malex: Alright, let’s head upstairs. We can probably muscle through the crowd.

~~ Moving up the stairs into the body of the house.

Snufflefungus: Maybe they’ll be nice and not bother us?

Linus: Holy–! Look how many there are!

Malex: Wall-to-wall demons. Gotta love it.

Snufflefungus: Malex, I can’t get through!

Malex: Excuse me! Comin’ through!

Linus: Good grief!

Malex: Hey, what are you all doing in my bathroom!

Demon: What? We’re just havin’ a swim!

Snufflefungus: But you’re using up all of my Mr. Bubble!

Demon: So?

Linus: You stupid demons, get out of this room and go dance like idiots with the rest of your idiot friends! Do it now!

Demon: Okay man, we’re going!

Malex: He obeyed you?!

Snufflefungus: Guys… Go somewhere else so I can close the door.

Malex: Let’s go find Monkey plushy and see what he has to say about this!

Linus: Good idea!

Malex: Monkey plushy! Where are you?

Monkey: You called?

Malex: Whoa! How the heck did you… Never mind. Can Linus give direct orders to your troops?

Monkey: He’s not extra-terrestrial, is he?

Malex: Yes.

Monkey: Then, uh… No. No, he can’t.

Linus: Okay, how about this: Dance on your head, monkey plushy! Dance like you’ve never danced before!

Monkey: Ow! I can’t break-dance! Ow! That hurts! Why must you torment me!

Malex: Amusing! So all you have to do is order them all out of here!

Linus: Okay! Every demon, leave this house!

Demon: Dude, that wasn’t specific enough. We’ll only obey specific orders.

Linus: Okay–

Malex: Wait! If we have to send them somewhere specific, we had better be careful about where it is.

Linus: Why?

Malex: Well, do you really want to be responsible for cursing anyone with this horde?

Linus: Yes.

Malex: Well I don’t! Look, here’s the phone book.

Linus: What am I using this for?!

Malex: Let’s spread the demons out so they’re not so noticeable! Go through the phone book and send each one to a different address!

Linus: But that could take weeks!

Malex: Just do it, man!

Linus: Okay, you! Demon! I hereby banish you to 236 East Broad Street!

Demon: (Whining.) Oh, okay…

Malex: He vanished! Yes! Oh hey, look at the time! I think we’ve run out of time this episode, Ladies and Gentlemen. Thanks for joining us, and I hope you’ll join us next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as the Monkey Plushy.

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to Laurent for use of the Downstairs sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.