~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey, everybody! Malex here, and we seem to have a situation on our hands!

Linus: You don’t usually understate, but when you do, boy is it a doozy.

Malex: That’s right, Snufflefungus’s Monkey Plushy turned out to be some sort of avatar for a horrible, demonic creature.

Snufflefungus: I don’t know about that, he seems nice!

Malex: The little stinker bit my hand and locked himself in our kitchen!

Snufflefungus: Has the bleeding stopped yet?

Malex: No.

Linus: How are you going to get him out of there?

Snufflefungus: Maybe he’s looking for bananas?

Malex: Yes, but we have no bananas! Leave us alone, demon monkey!

Monkey: I’m not looking for bananas, but you guys sure do have a serious shortage of caffeinated beverages in this kitchen!

Malex: We were going shopping in the next few days. Now unlock this door, come out of there, and explain yourself immediately!

Snufflefungus: I like caffeine… Why is monkey plushy taking our caffeine?

Linus: Because monkey plushy is bad. That’s why.

Monkey: I’m not coming out, and I’m certainly not explaining myself to you, feeble-minded human!

Linus: On the other hand, I seem to have at least one thing in common with monkey plushy.

Malex: Okay, don’t come out. Just answer one question: Why do you want caffeinated beverages?

Monkey: To feed the horde.

Linus: What? Horde?!

Snufflefungus: I’m starting to think that it was a mistake to trust monkey plushy.

Malex: Listen, monkey. There is no way you’re bringing a horde of anything into this house without my express permission.

Monkey: What? Who is going to stop me? Who is going to stop the leader of The Twinkle Toes?!

Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) I love you guys! You make my favorite snack food!

Monkey: What are you talking about?

Snufflefungus: No wait. I’m thinking of Twinkies.

Linus: Dude, for a former reference slave, you seem to have very little actual understanding of… well… much at all.

Malex: Monkey plushy, who are “The Twinkle Toes?”

Monkey: The Twinkle Toes – also known by our mortal enemies as the T.T.T. – were a band of maverick mercenaries. We were known for our passionate disregard for life and our uncanny ability to switch sides in a firefight on a practically minute-by-minute basis.

Malex: Okay… So, should I be afraid at this point?

Monkey: Yes! Be afraid! Respect The Twinkle Toes!

Snufflefungus: I’m really sorry, but I’m having trouble fearing somebody who sounds so cute.

Monkey: I didn’t always sound cute!

Linus: I’m sensing another onslaught of monologue.

Monkey: We were once powerful and feared! There was profit in our business, and we had it down to an art! Then, one day, the warring clans realized that they could probably have solved their differences a long time ago if it hadn’t been for our stirring up trouble. So they turned on us!

Malex: If anything you’ve said to date has been true, it sounds like you deserved it.

Monkey: So our spirits were all banished to a hoary netherworld! Now, after a thousand years of torment, my comrades will be free!

Linus: Eh, if your souls were all banished, how come you’re here now?

Monkey: That is a topic of great debate. I personally think it’s a hole in the plot.

Snufflefungus: Malex, how could you?

Malex: Hey, give me a break. I only have a week to write these things.

Monkey: For nearly a century, I’ve been searching for a place with the right spiritual acoustics to establish a gateway to the prison dimension. Your kitchen just happens to be perfect for the job!

Malex: Spiritual acoustics?! Now I know you’re making stuff up.

Snufflefungus: I don’t know, it sounds reasonable to me…

Linus: That’s because you’re a brainless little fuzz ball. This monkey of yours clearly needs re-stuffed. Or burned.

Monkey: Um, speaking of burning, where do you keep the matches?

Malex: Top drawer, all the way to the left. Why?

Monkey: I just need to set fire to your wall.

Malex: (Resigned.) Oh.

Snufflefungus: Isn’t that a bad thing?

Linus: Oh no, it’s just grand!

Monkey: Here we go!

~~ Fire sounds.

Malex: Hey guys, I’m going to go sob over there. Okay?

Monkey: They’re coming through now! (Laughs evilly.)

Snufflefungus: Hey, Malex. It sounds… Not good… In the kitchen.

Linus: Arrgh! It sounds like there are a hundred of them in there!

War Criminals: ’Scuse me. Pardon me. Watch out! Dang, it’s crowded in here.

Malex: Will you all just get out of my house?!

War Criminal: So you’re responsible for the pathetic arrangements? I’d like to have a word with you!

Malex: Linus, any chance you can cuss them out of here?

Linus: Sure! Any day! Except, oh yeah. You installed a state-of-the-art cuss filter. So no.

Snufflefungus: Really? You could have cussed this demon horde out of our house?

Linus: I was state champion three years in a row.

Snufflefungus: Really?! Wow! I would love to learn to cuss like that!

Malex: Guys, can we focus?! My house is being overrun by the spirits of ancient war criminals!

Linus: Oh yeah. That’s a bummer.

Snufflefungus: That’s it. Monkey plushy is off my list of friends!

Malex: Okay. Retreat to the basement! We’ll regroup and attack later!

Linus: Sounds good to me.

Malex: Sorry Ladies and Gentlemen, but I think we’re out of time this episode. Thanks for listening, and we hope you’ll join us next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as the Monkey Plushy.

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to Bebops for use of the Fire sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.