~~ Introduction

Snufflefungus: Hey everybody! Snufflefungus here! Last time on the Malex Minute, we watched in horror as Linus the Laptop’s personality was stolen by Little Red Riding Squirrel. In order to get it back, Malex and I embarked on a quest. We met Slammin’, the main antagonist, it was established that I, Snufflefungus, am the chosen hero, and we got a free sword and shield from Bob. We are now traveling up to Slammin’s castle in the Northern Wasteland of Pain and Despair. Also, Malex is pouting because he’s been relegated to inventory guy.

Malex: I’m not pouting! I’m just thinking.

Old Wise Man: Do you always pout while thinking?

Snufflefungus: Oh look! It’s Old Wise Man! How was your father’s funeral?

Old Wise Man: I don’t think he enjoyed it very much.

Malex: Oh, that’s too bad. Hey, are you here to further the plot and guide us along without actually giving away any useful information again?

Old Wise Man: Quite right! In fact, my message this time is so shallow and redundant, I should have stayed home!

Snufflefungus: Please, go on!

Malex: You’ve got me on the edge of my seat.

Old Wise Man: You should travel to the castle in the Northern Wasteland of Pain and Despair. It’s north of here.

Malex: Yeah, that was pretty redundant.

Old Wise Man: I’m not finished yet! The castle is only a mile or so from here, but it will be very difficult to get in once you arrive. You might even die in the attempt.

Snufflefungus: Even my trademark cheerfulness is having trouble with that one.

Malex: Okay, thanks Old Wise Man.

Old Wise Man: Hey, no problem.

Malex: Is there anything else?

Old Wise Man: Not really. I’ll be off now. Good luck!

Malex: Thanks.

Snufflefungus: Okay. Onward!

Narrator: Later, at the castle…

Malex: So there’s the castle.

Snufflefungus: How do they get it to float over that lake of fire like that?

Malex: I don’t really know. I think we’re going to have to cross that bridge, but I’m not sure how to extend it.

Snufflefungus: Maybe that guard fellow can help?

Guard: Hey! You! Over there! What are you doing?

Malex: Hello old chap! You wouldn’t happen to have any hospitality for road-weary travelers, would you?

Guard: Not on your life, mate! There here’s an evil warlord’s castle, see? And there’s a moat of fire! You can’t get in!

Malex: I see that. Hmm… What if we were to bribe you?

Guard: Not on your life! How much have you got?

Snufflefungus: I have a cookie!

Malex: He has a cookie…

Guard: Chocolate?

Snufflefungus: No, it’s a sugar cookie.

Guard: No deal! You’re not getting in unless you somehow figure out that the eye above the gate is a button that you can only press using an arrow!

Snufflefungus: Really?

Malex: Well sir, that’s just too bad. I guess we’ll have trudge away in defeat.

Guard: That’s right! Trudge! Trudge like it’s all you have left in the world!

Snufflefungus: So what now?

Malex: We know how to get in, we just need to find a bow and arrows somewhere. Let’s head back to the village!

Narrator: Later, in the Village…

Villager: Top of the mornin’ to you, lads! Have you seen the castle?

Snufflefungus: Yes.

Malex: We just came from there, actually.

Villager: Fine example of engineering, that building. The way it’s floating over a lake of fire? That gives me chills every time I think about it.

Snufflefungus: We’re looking for arrows.

Villager: Arrows, eh? Need ’em to extend the bridge, do you?

Snufflefungus: That’s right!

Malex: Wait, if you knew about the bridge, why didn’t you tell us before we went all the way up there?

Villager: Well now, I didn’t want to ruin the game for you, did I? Of course not.

Snufflefungus: Would it be ruining the game to tell us where to find some arrows?

Villager: Not at all! Everybody knows that if you need arrows, you’ll need to go see The Man With No Name in the creepy building on the edge of town.

Malex: I’m pretty sure there are some arrows over at Bob’s Armory…

Snufflefungus: Why does The Man With No Name have no name?

Villager: Most say his noxious personality caused his name to stay with his parents when they kicked him out at the age of five.

Malex: What really happened?

Villager: That is what really happened. That’s why most say it.

Malex: Oh.

Villager: Just remember, if you go in there, stay on his good side. Just do whatever he says to do, and do it right the first time! You don’t want to be on The Man With No Name’s bad side.

Snufflefungus: Thank you! (Whispers.) Maybe we should check Bob’s Armory first…?

Malex: Right. I’m just not interested in making this more complicated than it absolutely has to be.

~~ In Bob’s Armory.

Bob: I know! You’re back because of the sample I gave you! (Laughs.)

Malex: Not really, we’re here because we need a bow and arrows, and this is an armory.

Bob: I know! But everybody knows that if you need arrows, you need to go see The Man With No Name!

Snufflefungus: That’s what I heard, but why don’t you have any?

Malex: Yeah. After all, this is an armory…

Bob: I know! But stocking a bow and arrows when The Man With No Name lives so close would be hazardous to my health!

Snufflefungus: Oh, that’s encouraging.

Malex: Well, what’s the worst that can happen? Let’s head over there.

~~ Our heroes leave Bob’s.

Snufflefungus: It’s supposed to be a creepy building on the edge of town. Ooh, you think that one’s creepy enough?

Malex: You mean the one with the perfect rows of colored flowers arranged in a mathematical pattern? Yeah. That counts.

Narrator: Later, in the creepy building…

The Man With No Name: So what do you want from The Man With No Name?

Snufflefungus: A bow and arrows! Everybody says you have the best!

The Man With No Name: Indeed I do.

Malex: May we have a set?

The Man With No Name: You may, but you must perform a difficult and dangerous task first.

Malex: Really?

The Man With No Name: Yes.

Snufflefungus: What is it?

The Man With No Name: You must draw a perfect circle on this slate.

Malex: That’s not so hard–

The Man With No Name: With your feet!

Malex: Oh.

Snufflefungus: I’m guessing that’s hard, but I don’t have feet, so I might be wrong.

Malex: Well, mister The Man With No Name, we’ll have to go and, um, prepare ourselves for this challenge. Please excuse us.

Snufflefungus: We have to prepare ourselves?

Malex: Yeah, I’m sure we can find a bow and arrows elsewhere. We don’t have to sing to this guy’s tune. Besides, there’s no telling what he might do when I screw up drawing his perfect circle.

Snufflefungus: You’re probably right. Somebody around here must know where we can get a bow and arrows!

Narrator: Forty-eight hours later…

Malex: Okay, I give up. Everybody says to go to The Man With No Name, so that’s where we’re going.

Narrator: Somehow, Malex draws a perfect circle with his foot.

The Man With No Name: Wow, thanks a lot! I’ve never been able to pull that off. That’s going on my wall! Here are your bow and arrows.

Snufflefungus: Thank you The Man With No Name!

Narrator: Armed with a bow and arrows, our heroes travel back to the castle!

Guard: Hey! Are you guys back again?! What are you going to do, flap your arms and fly over the moat?

Malex: No, we’re going to shoot that button with an arrow, come over there, and give you a felicitous butt kickin’!

Guard: You will, will you? I highly doubt it, seeing as your friend is holding the bow backwards.

Snufflefungus: Hey, how do I work an arrows?

Guard: I told you.

Malex: Eh, this might take some doing.

Snufflefungus: Oh, that one went straight into the fire.

Malex: What, are you throwing them with telekinesis? Let me try.

Snufflefungus: Here you go.

Malex: Ah-ha! Got it!

Snufflefungus: Where did you learn to shoot like that?!

Malex: I’ve been on my share of adventures before, you know… Icepunk and I went on quite a few of them, in fact.

Snufflefungus: Cool. Let’s cross the bridge!

Malex: Alright, lets.

Guard: Ah, you have some skill after all, eh?

Snufflefungus: That’s right! You want to fight me? I have a sword!

Guard: And the fact that you wield it armless is impressive all by itself. No, little fur thing, I will not fight you.

Malex: Okay, then we’re going in!

Guard: Go ahead. Just watch out for the doorbell. If you press it, you’ll die instantly.

Malex: Oh, thanks.

Snufflefungus: Who would press the doorbell to an evil warlord’s castle anyway?

Malex: Salesmen.

Snufflefungus: Oh. Right.

Malex: So this is the lobby, eh?

Snufflefungus: What are all of these blocks doing here?

Malex: Blocking our path. Oh boy, I hate sliding block puzzles…

Snufflefungus: You think about this one, I’ll scout around.

Malex: Hmm… If we push that one, we get access to that one, but that gets stuck. On the other hand, if we push that one, it’ll fall into the pit.

Snufflefungus: Hey, Malex?

Malex: Wait, wait, I can almost see the solution.

Snufflefungus: But, but–

Malex: (Sighs.) What? What is it?

Snufflefungus: I found a fire exit over here that leads to a back-corridor which I think we can use to skip all of the puzzles.

Malex: Are you serious? Hey, let’s go!

Linus: (Scream of despair.)

Snufflefungus: Hey, is that Linus screaming?!

Malex: We’d better hurry!

Snufflefungus: Here we are, Linus, ready to save you!

Linus: (Sobs.) Why me?!

Malex: Linus, are you playing chess with Slammin’?!

Slammin’: This guy sure is a sore loser.

Snufflefungus: Malex, why is Linus in human form?

Malex: I’ll explain later, Snuffy. Okay, Slammin’, how do you want to do this? The hard way? Or the easy way?

Slammin’: You know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I just don’t think I want any part of this if there isn’t a princess involved, you know?

Malex: Really?

Slammin’: Yeah, it’s just not worth the effort. I’m sure you understand.

Snufflefungus: I guess so…

Linus: So, Malex, are you taking me back?

Malex: Yup, you are what we came for, so let’s go!

Linus: But I don’t want to give up my body again!

Snufflefungus: Again? You’ve got some explaining to do, buster…

Malex: Oh Linus, quit being such a wuss.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: It’s me, Little Red Riding Squirrel! So, you’ve finished my quest! What did you think?

Malex: I thought it was stupid.

Snufflefungus: Did you get your voice altered again?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Yes. I got it surgically unaltered. It just wasn’t me before…

Linus: Try to picture how little I care.

Malex: That’s the spirit old chum!

Snufflefungus: Now that we’ve got Linus back, can we go home?

Malex: I think so, buddy.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: I’m going to sing my favorite song some more! (Breaks into song.)

Jeffrey: Not so fast, dude.

Malex: Jeffrey?! I should have known! The sheep at the beginning of the last episode gave it away.

Jeffery: I do love the little sheepies, man…

Malex: Well, thanks for putting together this game, but we really have got to get going.

Jeffrey: I think I really want to be your arch-nemesis man.

Linus: What the crap? Where did that come from?

Malex: Jeffrey, we’ve been over this. I just don’t want any more arch-nemeses.

Snufflefungus: When did we go over this? This is all new to me.

Slammin’: Hey guys, as touching as this reunion is, can you get out of my castle? My show is on in like five minutes.

Malex: I’m all for that.

Linus: But I want to keep my body!

Malex: Jeffrey, could you please send us home?

Jeffrey: Sure man. (Grunt of exertion.)

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.