~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody! Malex here. Last episode, Little Red Riding Squirrel unexpectedly came back on the show and stole Linus the Laptop’s personality. Now all that is left of Linus is an overly agreeable fop.

Snufflefungus: Linus is genuinely scary in his current state, everybody.

Malex: He’s not kidding. Anyway, Little Red Riding Squirrel made it clear to us that we wouldn’t get Linus’s original personality back unless we went on a quest. So now, we’ve just entered the quest, and we find ourselves in a meadow just outside a medieval, rural village of some sort.

Snufflefungus: It’s too bad Linus couldn’t come.

Malex: Oh that’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen, Linus vanished when we took him through the portal into the quest. So now we can’t find him.

Slammin’: And I suddenly appear somehow! Hey, were you just talking to yourself?

Malex: Yes. No. It’s not relevant. How did you just suddenly appear?

Slammin’: I don’t know. I mean, I’m not telling. It’s secret evil warlord stuff.

Snufflefungus: You’re secretly an evil warlord?!

Slammin’: Uh, no.

Snufflefungus: Oh, that’s too bad. I’ve always wanted to meet an evil warlord.

Malex: Uh, Snuffy, I think he means there’s nothing secret about him being an evil warlord.

Snufflefungus: Really?! Is that true, mister warlord?

Slammin’: (Exasperated.) Yes… Can we get back to my monologue now?

Malex: Sure, go right ahead.

Slammin’: I (dramatic pause.) am Slammin’! And I have captured–

Malex: Wait. ‘Slammin’?’ Is that your real name?

Slammin’: Yes.

Snufflefungus: Did your parents hate you?

Slammin’: Yeah. Why do you think I’m evil now?

Snufflefungus: I was just wondering…

Slammin’: Can we please get back to my monologue now?

Malex: Yeah, any time.

Slammin’: (More quickly, until Slammin’ gets to the new stuff.) I suddenly appear somehow, I am Slammin’, and I have captured princess Helga in Stone! You will never free her!

Snufflefungus: Helga?

Malex: We didn’t come here to free any Helga, we’re here to free my laptop’s personality.

Slammin’: What? Personality? I thought there would be a princess involved.

Snufflefungus: I don’t think so, big guy.

Slammin’: Oh. Well that’s stupid.

Malex: Sorry.

Slammin’: Well, I guess we should just get on with it, right?

Old Wise Man: Wait! We must further the plot some more before you leave!

Snufflefungus: Hello! What’s your name?

Old Wise Man: My name is “Old Wise Man.” I’ll be guiding you through your quest without actually giving away any useful information.

Malex: Hmm. Your parents must have been forward thinkers.

Old Wise Man: The most valuable lesson my father ever taught me was to plan ahead.

Malex: Good man. That kind of thinking will keep you living comfortably for a long time.

Old Wise Man: Yes, but that was before he was trampled to death by a heard of flying rhinoceroses.

Snufflefungus: That’s too bad. When was that?

Old Wise Man: Yesterday.

Slammin’: Can we get back to the quest here? My show is on in five minutes.

Old Wise Man: Right! The chosen hero has come!

Snufflefungus: What?! Where?

Old Wise Man: His coming was foretold: He would be shaped like a cotton ball and wear the manes of the lions that he has slaughtered.

Snufflefungus: I can’t wait to meet this guy.

Malex: I don’t mean to be rude, Old Wise Guy, but, um, Snuffy here hasn’t slaughtered any lions since I’ve known him.

Snufflefungus: I don’t remember ever slaughtering any lions.

Old Wise Man: Well I’m sure we can interpret the prophecy pretty liberally.

Slammin’: You, the chosen hero?!

Snufflefungus: (Pretty cheerful.) I guess so!

Slammin’: Ha! You think you can destroy me?! Armless fool! Your armlessness will be your downfall, even as it is my triumph! (Laughs in a most evil manner.)

Malex: How do you even sleep at night after delivering a line like that?

Snufflefungus: My little Snuffy brain hurts…

Slammin’: Okay, well, my work here is done. Come and get your laptop’s personality whenever. I’ll be watching some contemporary soap opera, which shall remain nameless to avoid dating this episode of the Malex Minute.

Malex: Okay, see ya’ around.

Slammin’: And I vanish somehow!

Old Wise Man: You will find Slammin’ in his castle in the Northern Wasteland of Pain and Despair.

Malex: Hey, aren’t you coming with us?

Old Wise Man: Nah, I should be heading up to my father’s funeral. I’ll check up on you from time to time though!

Snufflefungus: Bye! Have fun! I mean… Don’t have fun! I mean… I’ll shut up now!

Malex: Smooth, dude. Okay, let’s head north. According to the sun, we’ll have to head through that village.

Snufflefungus: Okay! I like villages. Ooh! Sheep!

Narrator: Later, in the village…

Malex: Say, this village looks pretty interesting. We could probably spend hours here. Still, we should travel right through.

Snufflefungus: I agree.

Villager: Top of the mornin’, lads! You wouldn’t be heading to the castle of doom, would you?

Malex: Actually, yeah. Why?

Snufflefungus: Hey, mister, you sound exactly like Malex… only… weird.

Villager: Oh, you just look like adventurers to me. Say, you’d better not go all the way up there unless you’re fully equipped.

Snufflefungus: Equipped? What do you mean?

Villager: I mean a sword and shield lad. You can’t go assaulting an evil castle without a sword and shield now can you?

Snufflefungus: Why not?

Villager: Oh, that castle is mighty dangerous. If you’re not ready for it, you could get yourself hurt.

Malex: No offense, but how do you know?

Villager: Oh, I was one of the contractors that built the thing last year. In fact, I helped install several of the most deadly traps!

Malex: Wait, you helped build it?

Villager: Aye, that I did. It turned out pretty good, too.

Malex: Did it never occur to you that building headquarters for an evil warlord might be a bad plan in the long run?

Villager: Oh, I thought about it yes, but Slammin’ paid so well. It all turned out alright. That castle is so dangerous… Sometime I should tell you about the construction accidents. Woo!

Snufflefungus: Thanks, that would be fun!

Malex: In the meantime, would you mind pointing us to a good place to get a sword and shield?

Villager: Oh, that would be Bob’s armory. Right over there.

Malex: Thanks.

Snufflefungus: He seemed nice.

Malex: Yeah, right…

~~ Entering Bob’s armory.

Bob: I know! You’re here for a pair of spiked boots, a bow and arrows, a bear trap, and a rocket launcher!

Snufflefungus: No, we’re not. We’re just here for a sword and shield.

Bob: I know! It’ll cost you 130 gems!

Malex: I doubt we have any gems at all.

Snufflefungus: We’ll have to go and find some.

Bob: I know! You can have this sword and this shield as a free samples!

Malex: But… Those are all we came here to buy.

Bob: I know! And that’s how you keep customers coming back! Samples! (Chuckles.)

Snufflefungus: But all you sell here are weapons, and we won’t be needing any more.

Bob: I know! And when you do, you’ll come to me first!

Malex: Right. So do you have any swords and shields for somebody my size?

Bob: I know you’re not the chosen hero. Only the chosen hero gets the sword and the shield.

Snufflefungus: But the chosen hero doesn’t have any arms.

Bob: I know! Son, you’ve gotta believe in yourself!

Snufflefungus: So what about Malex here? What can he do?

Bob: I know! He’ll carry your massive inventory since you don’t have any arms! Here’s your sword and shield.

Malex: Relegated to inventory guy? Oh well, whatever.

Snufflefungus: Hey, this sword is weighted pretty good. Thanks a lot!

Malex: Okay, let’s head up to the castle.

Snufflefungus: Not yet! We’re out of time this episode! We’ll have to do that next week!

Malex: What?! As inventory guy, I don’t even get to close my own show?

Snufflefungus: No, sorry. Oh, and can you stand a bit farther back? You’re cramping my ‘chosen hero’ style.

Malex: Of all the impudent cheek!

Snufflefungus: Thanks for listening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and we hope you’ll join us next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.