Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, Ladies and Gentlemen! My name is Alex Markley, or Malex, and I’ll be hosting the show today along with Linus the Laptop and Snufflefungus the Horrible!

Linus: I’m getting really tired of hearing you say that…

Snufflefungus: (Sad.) I’m not horrible!

Linus: Oh look what you’ve done. You’re making fluffy cry.

Malex: Er, well, that’s not quite what I meant. I mean, it was a slip of the tongue! I swear!

Snufflefungus: Oh, that’s okay. I’m mostly interested to know what’s on this DVD of my memories that I brought back from Hell.

Malex: Well, we’re really glad to have you back, Snufflefungus.

Linus: Yeah, seriously… Malex was extraordinarily unfunny while you were gone.

Malex: Yeah, it was pretty dull without you.

Linus: I think he’s developed some kind of mental handicap.

Malex: Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far…

Linus: It’s like you’re a crutch, and he’s a sorry old has-been.

Malex: Hey! Do you have any idea what’s preventing me from pulling your battery out and watching you sink into a moat of non-functional despair?

Linus: What?

Malex: Not very much.

Snufflefungus: Hey guys, can you stop fighting for a minute? I want to figure out what’s on this DVD.

Malex: We could just pop it in and look…

Linus: Not in my DVD drive you don’t! What if that thing is riddled with viruses!

Malex: Oh, don’t be a baby.

Linus: Don’t give me that, plaster-pants! Have you ever been infected by a virus that changed your whole personality before?

Snufflefungus: Oh, I was! Once, I was… No wait, that was somebody else.

Malex: Look, why don’t you just scan it for viruses before opening anything on it?

Linus: I guess that would be okay…

Snufflefungus: Yay! I can hardly wait to get my old memories back!

Linus: Well you’re going to have to wait. These virus scans don’t happen fast.

Malex: Don’t worry, Snufflefungus, your memories aren’t going anywhere now.

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: I’ll get it…

Icepunk: Hello? Malex?

Linus: What the crap? Icepunk? I would have thought you would be dead by now…

Icepunk: Real funny, Linus. Can I talk to Malex?

Malex: Sure. Once I recover from the shock of hearing your voice, I’ll even be able to talk with you.

Icepunk: Great! That would be good, cause… I’m in a little bit of trouble over here.

Malex: Trouble? What kind of trouble?

Icepunk: The kind where they arrest you and yell at you in a foreign language.

Malex: What? You’re in jail?!

Linus: In Asia?!

Icepunk: No, jail is a nice place with beds, a toilet, and a distinct lack of shapeless creatures lurking in the dark.

Malex: What did you do this time?

Icepunk: Nothing! All I can figure is this country must have some crazy law against gun running or something.

Malex: Is this your one phone call? Shouldn’t you be calling a lawyer?

Icepunk: I don’t think I’m allowed to have a lawyer. They don’t even know I’m making this call.

Linus: So let me get this straight. You want us to fly to Asia and break you out of some top secret detention area?

Icepunk: Yeah. Quickly. I can’t understand what they’re saying but I have the distinct feeling that the jittery one with the sword doesn’t like me. He keeps catching my eye and making chopping motions.

Malex: Ah, much as I sympathize, I don’t think there’s any way to find you even if we could get there quickly.

Icepunk: Uh, I gotta go. I think the bald one just realized I’m using his cell phone.

~~ Phone call ends.

Snufflefungus: Well that was positively horrific.

Malex: Oh, don’t let it get to you. Stuff like that happens to him every few months.

Linus: Okay, this virus scan is done. It looks like this is a video DVD, so I guess I’m just going to try and play it.

Snufflefungus: I wonder what it will be! Will it be a video of my life?

Malex: Hardly. These things can only fit a few hours of video on them.

Linus: Here we go…

Snufflefungus: Look! There I am!

Video Snufflefungus: Ahem. Hello.

Snufflefungus: Hello!

Linus: It can’t hear you, nimbus.

Video Snufflefungus: By now, you must be wondering where our memories have gone. I confess, it was I who erased our memories.

Snufflefungus: What? No!

Video Snufflefungus: I’m afraid it’s true. Please believe me… The truth is too horrible. It’s better this way.

Linus: I guess that’s the end of it.

Malex: Creepy…

Snufflefungus: No! Come back, other me! I want to know more! Please!

Linus: Dude, get over it. They’re just memories.

Snufflefungus: But memories help define who we are!

Linus: Nah, that’s all a bunch of new-age, metaphysical hogwash. I mean, you’re still Snufflefungus, even if you don’t remember.

Snufflefungus: But I probably had a real name before!

Linus: Oh yeah…

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I think that’s all we have time for. Hope you enjoyed today’s episode, and will join us again next week on the Malex Minute!

Snufflefungus: What is ‘metaphysical hogwash,’ anyway?!

Malex: Today’s episode was a production of the Malex Media Network. Please visit us online at MalexMedia.Net. God Bless, and have a great day!

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by John Morgan as Icepunk.

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.