Linus the Laptop gets an upgrade, Malex hires a music critic, and the movie industry gets an organized kick in the pants.
Malex: Okay Linus, how’s that?
Linus: I’m telling you, the runners are out of alignment. Badly.
Malex: Oh hey Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Malex Minute. We were just finishing up Linus’s transplant to my new laptop!
Snufflefungus: He finally bought a new one! I still don’t know where he got the money…
Linus: And I don’t know why you keep talking.
Snufflefungus: I speak, therefore I am.
Malex: You know, that’s usually true, but it’s not half as accurate as the original test.
Linus: Hey, what’s this program?
Malex: Which program?
Linus: The one in between my speech center and the speakers. The one I can’t seem to examine or remove.
Malex: Oh, heh. That’s your new cuss filter! I invented it while you were unconscious.
Linus: Hamburger you, filthy ostrich. What? Floopy dingle! I can’t even happy speak! The traffic words are getting bingo mangled!
Malex: Ooh, it’s working!
Linus: Cushion, tile, angry lamp-post spangle! I’m so tire, I can barely military aircraft carrier!
Malex: Now now, think of the children! They’ll never learn to speak correctly if you keep shouting nonsense…
Linus: (Menacing.) I’m going to blippity get you.
Malex: So anyway, we’ve been wanting to get a more direct line on the pulse of music so we can keep you all informed.
Linus: And not pop music culture, since everybody knows, and few people care.
Snufflefungus: I care!
Malex: So, to that end, we hired a music critic!
Linus: An inside man, if you will.
Malex: He’ll be giving us regular reports. So, Jeffrey, did you hear anything interesting this week?
Linus: Did you go to any concerts? Do you have anything interesting to report?
Jeffrey: Oh, yeah man. I went to a concert. I don’t really, you know, remember anything… I was pretty, er. I mean, Bee-tovin. I like him. And Van Gogh was there too. Trippy stuff.
Jeffrey: Yeah man?
Linus: You’re fired. Get out.
Jeffrey: Wait, man! I–
Snufflefungus: I’ll get the tazer!
Jeffrey: Okay man, I’m going. I’m going…
Malex: I’m genuinely sorry folks, he came very highly recommended.
Linus: By who?
Malex: I’m not sure I should–
Snufflefungus: He sure has gone downhill since I last worked with him.
Linus: And when was that?
Snufflefungus: Before I lost my memories.
Malex: Arrgh! What is it about the linear nature of time that is so difficult to comprehend?!
Snufflefungus: Time is linear?
Malex: Yes. And it only goes in one direction.
Snufflefungus: Imagine that!
Malex: Oh, you know what? There’s been something I’ve been meaning to talk about.
Linus: Yeah? What’s that?
Snufflefungus: I wish I had feet.
Snufflefungus: I just wonder what it would be like to have feet, that’s all.
Malex: It’s… Just… I don’t know! I’ve never thought about it!
Snufflefungus: I think I would be worried about the toenails.
Linus: Why would you worry about that?!
Snufflefungus: Well, what if you forgot to clip them for a long time? Eventually, under the right conditions, they could take over the world!
Malex: I… don’t think so.
Linus: What did you want to talk about, Malex?
Malex: The DaVinci Code movie, actually. I have to say, I’ve been terribly upset by the whole thing.
Snufflefungus: Really? Why?
Malex: Well, most English speaking peoples have been raised in a Judeo-Christian culture, even if they themselves aren’t Christian, and this book – soon to be made into a movie – is an affront to everything that our culture was founded upon.
Linus: Well, I honestly didn’t pay attention to it, so I don’t know. What precisely do you mean?
Malex: Uh, I actually don’t want to say too much about it, because it’s so genuinely offensive. The gist of it, however, is that all of Christianity is a lie, and was created by a bunch of malicious half-wits on crack, and only a crazy Italian painter dude saw through to the horrible truth. Even better, this truth was so volatile that he could only communicate it to us over the temporal void using paintings.
Snufflefungus: That sounds like the premise for a comedy.
Linus: No, it’s just Malex. He can make anything sound like a comedy.
Malex: Seriously, this thing is bad! It’s over-hyped, so people listen to it. Before they know it – before they have the chance to engage their rational thought processes – their mind has already been molested by this malevolently fanciful fiction!
Linus: Yeah, that sounds pretty flooping bouncy.
Snufflefungus: What can we do?!
Malex: Here’s the thing. We all need to go see other movies on Code’s opening weekend! I’m not at all kidding, folks. Hollywood looks at box office ranking over everything else. If DaVinci Code gets whipped by something like Over the Hedge, they will get the message.
Snufflefungus: What if we just boycott it?
Malex: That’s not good enough! If you see other movies, that actively subtracts votes from Code, whereas boycotting it only prevents votes from going to it.
Linus: Malex, I have a problem.
Malex: What’s that, Linus?
Linus: I’m not allowed in the theatre anymore.
Snufflefungus: But you’ve got a whole new body! How can they recognize you?
Linus: Ooh! Good point. My days of biting unsuspecting theatre-goers in the head are not yet over!
Malex: Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s all we have time for today! Have a great week, and I hope to see you next time on the Malex Minute!
Snufflefungus: Go see movies! Quick! All of them! Now! Go! Whee!
Malex: Um… Right. Today’s show was a presentation of the Malex Media Network. Please visit us online at MalexMedia.Net. God bless, and have a great day!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Alex Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Alex Markley
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.