Malex: Hey! It’s the Malex Minute, Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome!

Linus: I hope you brought your wading boots!

Malex: My name is Alex Markley, and I’m hosting the show today along with my favorite artificial intelligence.

Linus: Linus the laptop at your service. Assuming, of course, that you want me to sulk in a corner somewhere.

Malex: Just make sure everybody can hear us. That’s all I ask.

Snufflefungus: I’m hosting too, you know.

Malex: No! I only let you out of your cage! That does not equal hosting the radio show! You remember what the deal was, don’t you?

Snufflefungus: You let me out of the cage, and I clean up this dump.

Malex: That’s right. You tidy the studio, and we’ll forget the whole “breaking into the premises in the middle of the night” thing.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, you say that now, but it’s all part of my master plan.

Malex: Plan?

Linus: Since when do you have the capacity for scheming?

Snufflefungus: First, you let me out of my cage. Next, you give me responsibilities. From here, it’s only a short hop to hosting the show. Eventually, you’ll come to love and respect me!

Malex: … Whoa…

Linus: Well I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m stunned.

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, today we’ll be talking about a grand movie that we only just discovered a few weeks ago. The movie Hoodwinked has now left theatres, but we managed to catch a showing just before it finally quit.

Linus: We saw it in the little auditorium. The crowded auditorium. Some guy tried to sit on me, and in his psychosis, he tried to justify it because I’m “only a laptop.”

Snufflefungus: It’s a sick world out there.

Linus: I’ll say. He refused to apologize, even after I threw my strongest curse words at him.

Snufflefungus: What did you do?

Linus: He wouldn’t budge, so I bit him.

Malex: It was a wonder that we weren’t expelled from the theatre altogether.

Linus: I still don’t see why you had to pay him off to be quiet. He wouldn’t have been able to talk if you’d let me finish up.

Malex: Grand. As for the movie itself, I remained highly amused basically the entire time. It’s a movie about the classic story of Little Red Riding Hood, except it tells the tale of the aftermath.

Linus: Cops! Interrogation! Crime scene tape! A frog and a poodle!

Snufflefungus: Spooky.

Malex: Now, there’s some contention that the animation–

Linus: It is an animated film.

Malex: Yes, right. There’s some contention that the animation is too simplistic for a modern movie.

Linus: I could do better with half of my processors removed.

Malex: Not with that laptop you couldn’t. If we removed half of your processors now, you’d be left with a fraction of a processor.

Linus: So I’ve noticed. What is it with you humans and terrible computing technology?

Snufflefungus: Oh, he’s just too broke to buy a new one.

Malex: Snufflefungus!

Snufflefungus: What? You said it yourself!

Malex: Not on the air! We don’t want people to realize that we’re a bunch of amateurs!

Snufflefungus: Oh…

Linus: And I would have thought the quality of the product might give it away…

Malex: Anyway… The animation! The movie’s animation was a little simplistic. However, and I cannot stress this enough, it was consistent, and as such, it was quite easy for my to suspend my disbelief.

Linus: Why are you telling them that?

Malex: What, that it was easy to suspend my disbelief?

Linus: Yes.

Malex: I’m telling them that because it was an important part of my enjoyment of the movie, and it’ll probably apply to them too.

Linus: I don’t see how you can assume that. Maybe you’re just gullible.

Snufflefungus: Can I be gullible too?!

Malex: (Exasperated.) Why do I even try?

Snufflefungus: Maybe you’re just gullible?

Malex: Don’t push it, Snuffy! … Anyway, this movie was just amazingly funny. The jokes were many and multi-layered. Some of the gags were sheer genius. I don’t want to give anything away, but one of my favorite lines was: “Red, if there are two things your grandma does not do, it’s lie and play extreme sports.”

Linus: Did you just do an old grandma voice?

Malex: Um… Yeah.

Snufflefungus: Whoa. That’s like, the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.

Linus: What, do you practice in the car or something?

Malex: Well… Maybe sometimes?

Linus: Dang! Live in a guy’s laptop for years, and you think you know something about him!

Malex: What? … What?

Snufflefungus: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re genuinely sorry for this mind-wrenching turn of events.

Linus: We’ll prevent this in the future by installing a thirty second delay and keeping a cattle prod on hand at all times.

Malex: It was just a stupid voice… (Grumbling.)

Linus: Speaking of voices, the voice acting in the movie was absolutely top-notch.

Malex: Indeed. Patrick Warburton – who I remembered chiefly as Kronk in The Emperor’s New Groove – played the wolf, and his performance stood out as exemplary. All in all, this was a really solid movie. Reliably, genuinely entertaining, and I highly recommend that you keep an eye out for the DVD.

Linus: Still… There was one thing.

Malex: What was that, Linus?

Linus: I couldn’t help being reminded of Little Red Riding Squirrel.

Malex: Oh yeah. (Grim.) I got that vibe too. You know, I’ve been trying to forget…

Snufflefungus: Who is Little Red Riding Squirrel?

Malex: A horrible, horrible little creature, whose very existence caused insanity in all those unlucky enough to cross its path. Thank God it doesn’t really exist, or we’d all be in a heap ’o trouble.

Linus: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

Malex: Mm? Why do you say that?

Linus: Well, remember that we encountered it in the virtual lair of the evil identical twins Robb and Bobb?

Malex: So?

Linus: Well, all of the enemies in that game had the face of either Robb or Bobb except Little Red Riding Squirrel.

Snufflefungus: If Robb and Bobb are identical twins, why does it matter which one the faces are modeled after?

Malex: By Jove, you’re right! Besides, that whole environment seemed entirely too consistently creepy to have produced such a whimsically disturbing diversion as Little Red Riding Squirrel!

Snufflefungus: Whimsy. Noun. Quaint and fanciful idea or an impulsive, illogical character.

Linus: What the crap? Did you just know something?

Snufflefungus: I don’t think that’s possible.

Malex: Hey, look! We just ran out of time. Thanks for joining us, Ladies and Gentlemen. I hope you enjoyed the show, and will catch us next week!

Snufflefungus: I wonder if I’ll ever know anything again?

Malex: Today’s show was brought to you by the Malex Media Network. Please visit us online at MalexMedia.Net. God bless, and have a great day!

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.