Malex: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Alex Markley – or Malex to my friends – and I’ll be hosting the show. Today, we–

Creature: And me!

Malex: What? I’m sorry, what?

Creature: I’m hosting too!

Malex: No, you’re in a cage on the floor. You’re not hosting. You don’t even know your own name.

Creature: Do I have to have one?

Malex: Only if you’re a person and not a hideous creature.

Creature: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.

Malex: (Clears throat.) Anyway… Today, we will discuss the rapid approach of a magical new addition to Sega’s Super Monkey Ball series. For those of you who are not already familiar with these games, I did not just swear or make a dirty joke. Indeed, Super Monkey Ball is a family-friendly game, and is completely wholesome and entertaining to boot.

Creature: I love games like that. They’re so fun.

Malex: Linus… Linus, can we filter him out?

Linus: Sure. Did you want me to alter the gravitational constant of the universe too?

Malex: Now now, there’s no need to be sarcastic.

Linus: Of course there is. Sarcasm is to me as oxygen is to you.

Malex: Good. Wonderful. Anyway, this game, Super Monkey Ball, is an amazing and unique concept in that you control a monkey trapped in a ball by tilting and rotating a labyrinthian platform under its unsuspecting little monkey feet. The goal is to pilot the monkey to the goal without flinging it off the platform into the abyss.

Creature: (Scared.) Um, what happens to the monkey when it falls into the abyss?

Malex: It dies.

Creature: (Scared.) And you like this game?!

Malex: Oh yeah.

Creature: (Scared.) … Will you let me out of my cage now?

Malex: No.

Linus: Yeah, I have yet to implant thoughts of terror, doom, and despair in place of your real memories.

Malex: Linus, no. That’s not okay.

Linus: Yeah, whatever.

Malex: So, anyway… Super Monkey Ball! I loved this game for the GameCube. It was, I think, the very first game I purchased with my GameCube. One of my favorite aspects of the game was the way you could, for lack of a better word, ‘hack’ the levels.

Creature: What do you mean?

Malex: Well, I mean defeating levels in non-traditional ways. Pushing the game’s physics engine to the limits and using it against itself to finish a level in record time. Stuff like that.

Creature: I think you’re stupid. And lying.

Malex: Oh? Well, I have a video replay to prove it. It’s attached to this article at MalexMedia.Net.

Linus: I have given this careful consideration, and I have come to the conclusion that you are the worst radio show host in the history of all mankind.

Malex: Well, there’s really nothing to say to that, is there? Anyway, this new Monkey Ball game is going to be more adventure oriented, and I simply can’t wait to see what they do with it.

Linus: Are you done? That was horrible.

Malex: Yeah, well… You can just get over it and run the mixer in silence.

Creature: Can I leave yet?

Malex: You still haven’t explained what you were doing breaking into our studio the other night!

Creature: Yeah, you’re probably right.

Linus: Do you have even the vaguest concept of conversational threads, context, or even thinking in general?

Creature: Ha ha. I think he’s insulting me!

Malex: … I think that’s about all we have time for tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen. I hope you all have a great week and join us next time on the Malex Minute.

Creature: Snufflefungus!

Linus: Boss, are you sure you don’t want me to experiment on this joker’s brain a little? I promise I won’t leave a mess.

Malex: Horrific! Today’s show was brought to you by the Malex Media Network. Visit us online at MalexMedia.Net. God bless, and stop listening right now.

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Alex Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.