Really, if you look deep inside me, I have a graceful soul.
Yes, I definitely have a graceful soul. If you could peer inside my head, you would see that I picture myself as having moves of such elegance, grace, and heroic decisiveness! In my head, I can leap from high things to low things and from low things to high things! I can slide and dance and evade and spin and dispense justice like a NINJA!
I see comic books and laugh. They don't know what super heroes look like.
The gross error in my thinking could be corrected with a momentary glance in any mirror. In actual fact, I am a clumsy, top-heavy, oafish being with dangerous delusions of skill. This, friends, is the context you need in order to understand what happened on Friday.
On Friday, my friends and I went to see a movie. That point is irrelevant, but the movie was very enjoyable.
After the movie, we were walking back to campus. It was late, it was dark, and there was ice on the ground.
I had not been drinking (indeed, I basically never consume alcohol) so I have no excuse whatsoever for the lapses in judgment that follow. Yes, I saw all that ice and I decided to run and skid on it. Why not? After all, I AM NINJA! (See above for critical delusional context.)
For some reason, my physical body did not cooperate with my imagination. The catastrophic failure began at my feet. My feet utterly failed to stay under my body. In fact, my feet didn't stick to the program at all.
Instead, my feet realized that all hope was lost and hit the eject button. This catapulted them upward and outward, into the starry night. But they were still attached to my body, so they didn't get very far.
According to Plan B, this should not have been a problem, because the rest of my body is so NINJA that I should have been able to continue my amazing forward and upward momentum, flipping myself around and landing squarely on my rebellious feet with one hand on the ground and a shock wave of awesome radiating outward from my point of landing.
It would have been grand. However, my body once again had other plans.
It was as if my whole body decided to take a step back and see how the whole situation played out while I sailed toward the ground. My hands even stayed in my pockets the whole time! Perhaps they thought they could escape the carnage by sitting on the sidelines.
I hit the sidewalk at approximately ARGH mph.
And that's when the dreaming began. It was like being inside a children's show. There were so many colors! And occasionally a cute little monster would wander over and ask how many fingers it was holding up, which was bizarre because it only had feet.
I was not conscious to recall this part of the story, but here is what my friends report:
First, I hit the ground. This is when I lost consciousness. Then, apparently, I immediately jumped back up to my feet. I reportedly said, “I'm good!” and then started marching toward campus again.
Then I apparently fell over a second time and stopped responding altogether.
As the situation unfolded my friends all had so many questions, like: “Are you okay?” and “Do you want us to call 911?”
As these and other questions filtered down into my brain, I apparently started asking questions of my own, like: “Where am I?” “Where did the cute monster go?” and “Why are there so many pieces of teeth in my mouth?”
The police showed up right away and started shining lights in my eyes. They had questions too, like: “Can you hear me?” “Where do you live?” and “Have you been drinking this evening?”
From my addled perspective, this all happened as a fuzzy, blended sequence of disconnected events. I remember the ground, pieces of teeth in my mouth, red and blue lights, worried faces, more pieces of teeth, pain, people smacking my face to wake me up, people holding me still so I wouldn't get up, and even more pieces of teeth.
At some point I realized that I needed to play it cool. These were my friends I had just wiped out in front of! I had them all convinced I was TOTALLY NINJA, so I needed to protect my image and play this off as much as possible.
My back was fine, I just needed to stand up and stretch it out. I didn't need to go to the hospital. I knew all the answers, I wasn't confused any more at all. Yes I still planned on walking everybody back to their cars and no way was I in any pain.
At this point, I'm still most worried about my teeth. They're definitely all messed up in my face.
The dentist says to come back in a month and see if any of them have turned black. I assume that's so he can point and laugh, and perhaps take a picture for his collection.
He'll see. He won't get the satisfaction. Little does he know I'm a NINJA!