 |  |  |  |  |
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
Cognitive Shrapnel
Submitted by Alex on Tue, 08/30/2005 - 8:18am
Note: This story and any associated comments were migrated from the old system, and undoubtedly contain strange glitches, including broken links. Continue at your own risk. 
Ladies and gentlemen, you may wish to take this moment to run screaming. I feel a rant coming on.
So I was checking my email this morning, and in my inbox was a newsletter from a Christian organization whose mailing list I don't remember joining. Note that I am about as anti-spam as I can get, but I figure that they probably got my email address from somebody who thought they were doing me a favor, and I just don't have the heart to tell them that I don't want their junk mail.
Since the newsletter in question is usually junk mail, I almost deleted it outright. However, the subject, "Special Prayer Request," caught my eye. I clicked it, and read this:
On behalf of myself and the national staff of BLAH BLAH BLAH, we would like to extend our thoughts and prayers to all the residents of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida who have felt the wrath of Hurricane Katrina.
At that point, I couldn't read any more. Honestly. Once you overcome the overall low quality of the sentence, a horrible breach of logic and sanity becomes apparent.
Let me indulge in a quick, fictional scenario which I feel may illustrate my point. Assume, for one moment, that you are a very dear friend of mine. (If you're actually reading this, this part should be easy to imagine.) Assume also, that you've just been in a terrible accident, and that your limbs are falling off. (It was a very terrible accident indeed.)
Assume that I "direct my thoughts and prayers to you", and assume that you can actually hear them from all the way over there... Would you give a crap what I was telepraying to you? And even if you did, could you do anything about it?
If our roles in this fictional scenario were reversed, I would hope that you would have the sense to pray for me instead of to me, since I sure don't have the power to put my own legs back on.
If this were an isolated case of stupidity, I might overlook it. I would just continue praying for the victims of this latest tragedy and move on. Interestingly, this broken phraseology seems to be cropping up everywhere - both in and out of Christendom. I would love to know why.
Logically, since telepathy can be proven to not exist in any reliable form, and since God (by very definition) defies all human proofs, this popular (albiet very broken) phraseology should make far less sense - even to an athiest!
But maybe that's why it's so popular! Perhaps it's just another subtle way to make Christianity seem even less sane. This is sad, but not as sad as this new wave of Christians who have succumbed to politically correct phraseology. If that's you, stop it. Seriously. You're giving us a bad name.
| | | | |
Comments
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
Wow, that was quite a rant.
As grammatically incorrect as Pastor Nate (from MI) tends to be, it's probably a very good thing you don't get his updates...
However, the last update was a joy to recieve, because he enclosed pictures of the shoes that we have been collecting to send to Haiti (between 3 and 4 thousand was the final estimation). And of course, the toilet...
I might as well let you in on this joke, one of the men from the church was astonished at the level of poverty in West Virginia (which is the last place we did relief work at before Haiti), and he felt so bad that none of these people had toilets, so last time we had the truck at the church to take donations, he loaded a brand new toilet into the back of the truck. Imagine my suprise when I opened the truck to load some bags of clothes into it, and there is a toilet sitting there in the middle of everything.
Anyway, that's totally beside the point, which is hard to do considering that there wasn't a point to this anyway...
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
"As grammatically incorrect as Pastor Nate (from MI) tends to be, it's probably a very good thing you don't get his updates..."
I don't mind grammatical incorrectness as much as I mind rampant stupidity.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
"I don't mind grammatical incorrectness as much as I mind rampant stupidity.
"
Then why do you spend so much time with Icepunk?
More to the point, why do you spend so much time on this website?
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
It's just so fun to correct stupidity on my own turf.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
when have you ever corrected it? I see you encourage it often enough...
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
There's a distinct difference between stupid stupidity and harmful stupidity. I only encourage the former.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
Stupid stupidity is when the one wielding the stupidity knows he or she is in fact doing so. Harmful stupidity is completely unaware of it's own existence.
---
"You do that. Meanwhile, I will go off somewhere and quietly have a breakdown." - My Mom
Everything looks perfect from far away.
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
I do not actually believe that I am stupid. Nor do I make stupid rants. As the Emperor of the universe, everything that I do and say is correct. Therefore, none of my spelling is ever wrong. I have just invented a new way to spell a word.
When you have such a positive like mine, life is easier to enjoy.
---
We are all actors in the great play that is life. However, I happen to have a copy of the script.
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
stupidity
If harmful stupidity is not self-aware, I am glad to be self aware and therefore not harmful.
What a relief.
---
I am NOT a little short for a stormtrooper!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
stupidity
you may have just successfully halted this comment thread...
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
stupidity
Your 'toilet' talk got flushed fast.
---
I am NOT a little short for a stormtrooper!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
stupidity
who are you?
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
stupidity
No one of consequence.
---
I am NOT a little short for a stormtrooper!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
stupidity
I must know...
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
stupidity
I am a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
---
I am NOT a little short for a stormtrooper!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
insanity and stupidity.
you never asked who <i>I<i> am. I'm insulted. Except not really.
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
secret sauce and insanity
wouldn't that get sticky wrapped in secret sauce? What happens when you take a shower? Do you reapply the secret sauce? Seems kind of time consuming.
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
insanity and stupidity.
Uh, dude, we don't care who you are.
What we care about is as follows:
1 - The EMIT::PATROL project
2 - Halo 2
3 - food
4 - money (and our lack of it)
5 - Bob Moog(sp)
6 - gasoline prices
7 - girlfriends/boyfriends
8 - the relative spacial position of the sun and moon in association with earth compared to the relative planetary position of 'Da Mek Shop' compared with the relative positions of Pluto and Triton. This is amazingly important, as it determines how much sleep Gork and Mork get, which is a major factor in Orkish religion, because it decides when and where the Orks need to fight and how many teef they need to use to get shinier bitz. I don't understand it myself; the Orks are an odd bunch.
---
We are all actors in the great play that is life. However, I happen to have a copy of the script.
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
insanity and stupidity.
Dear Insulted, except not really. Leave the secret sauce alone, it makes us what we are.
Da Humie (strange moniker) the sun is irrelevant is has been assimilated.
---
I am NOT a little short for a stormtrooper!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
insanity and stupidity.
So what? You put a Dyson Sphere around the sun? Big dealio, as my legions can conquer the Sphere which you have constructed and then use its energy to power my bases and fortresses, which will then have unlimited power with which to churn out at an unbelieveable rate tanks and armor for my legions, which then will enable me to conquer the solar system.
---
We are all actors in the great play that is life. However, I happen to have a copy of the script.
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
insanity and stupidity.
that's what you think...
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
That's the problem.
He clearly doesn't.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
That's the problem.
I won't argue with that.
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
That's the problem.
I don't even own a Dyson Sphere and I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Wasn't there a van full of candy around her somewhere...
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
That's the problem.
Van full of candy around who now?
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
That's the problem.
Where did the 'e' go? Icepunk has it...he used to be icpunk...
Now to find the van full of candy...
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
That's the problem.
Get the van away from here! I don't want the gnome anywhere near candy! can you imagine this guy on a sugar high?
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Ack.
You just sprained my brain.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Ack.
"just sprained my brain"
...just...dud, that thing went a long time ago
by the way, that 'e' was not implied
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Ack.
It may not have been implied, but you made the mistake of referring to it! Now it exists, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it!---Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Ack.
format c: or fdisk
Now, you were saying...what about the 'e'...?
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Ack and insanity
I'm a little late but i've arrived with the van filled with candy. Please, why don't you step into my van?
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
No.
Go away.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
No.
I knew it! he's smuggling something in that candy! On the authority of the FBI (CIA, KGB, IRS, take your pick) and the RRCMP (Rebel Royal Canadian Mounted Police) I'm confiscating this van and all of it's contents, so get out of the van or I'll confiscate you too, you "scwewy wabbit!"
Yes, I have inlisted the assisstance of several animated characters who have their own vendettas against you, Frou Frou! Run run run, as fast as you can, but it won't help at all, I'm sending in the Gingerbread Man!
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
No.
Would you like a bacon sarnie?
---
We are all actors in the great play that is life. However, I happen to have a copy of the script.
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
2005-08-30 - Teleprayer
Has anyone seen the Gingerbread man...I've got a glass of milk ready...just in case phoenyx is not as delusional as she appears...
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
In case she's not delusional?
No, she is. Trust me.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
In case she's not delusional?
Normally I would take offense and try to argue with you, but in this case, I actually happen to agree. I'm quite delusional, even certifiable by some standards. Good thing Batman has almost as many psychoses as I do, so he really doesn't mind, if he even notices.
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
In case she's not delusional?
Phoenyx is mildly obsessed with this Batman character has anyone ever told her he's a comic book character with no substance...anyone game to try, or is her little psyche too far gone for such reality...
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
No. Insanity
You can't send the KGB after me! I AM the KGB!
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
Delusions of Grandeur
I promote insanity, delusions and contortions of the psyche. They build strong bones 12 different ways. Much like Wonderbread(TM)... only crazier...
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
In case she's not delusional?
"anyone game to try?"
Put your hand through the bars of that cage and methinks that all you'll get back is a bloody stump. Yep, yep. 'Tis not a question of courage, madam... No grown man'll defend his pride and risk a fate as horrible as that one.
---
Alex Markley=-
-="A warehouse is just like any other house, except it turns EVIL under the light of a full moon."
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
In case she's not delusional?
"There's a hidden meaning in that..."
---
We are all actors in the great play that is life. However, I happen to have a copy of the script.
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
In case she's not delusional?
'question of courage, madam'
Trying to appeal to the feminine part of a gnome will get you nowhere...*umph, struggle struggle* wait, come back here phoenyx, it's only a flesh wound, I'll bite your ankles...don't cross that bridge!!!! Get those migrating coconuts away from me.
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
......
I watch in silent horror, wonder, and morbid fascination. I clutch my Teddy Bear tighter.
---
"You do that. Meanwhile, I will go off somewhere and quietly have a breakdown." - My Mom
Everything looks perfect from far away.
......insanity....
I would shy away from your teddy bear if I were you. Teddy Bears have secret spy cams planted by the KGB in 1596. Lets not forget the self-detonation device implanted in their left eye. If someone learns too much... well... Since you're reading this I'd shy away from your teddy bear... ooohh.. maybe a 5 mile radius might be safe.
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
......insanity....
were there teddy bears in 1596...was there KGB in 1596...is there KGB now...Aisling, I need to borrow the teddy bear...
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
......insanity....
teddy bears? time warp back to the 1500s? I've got to find a crazier group to hang out with, you guys are way too tame...
---
I know where the sanity went! "It was eaten by left-handed moths!" Chico Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
......insanity....
I know some nice people in the Gotham City Asylum who claim to be less crazy than me. You should talk to them. I'm sure Batman could get you in.
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
......insanity....
Leave my Teddy Bear alone! If you don't, he will bite you.
---
"You do that. Meanwhile, I will go off somewhere and quietly have a breakdown." - My Mom
Everything looks perfect from far away.
......insanity....
Be warned, it may be your friend now but soon, it will turn on you. You know too much. It's only a matter of time.
---
The One Universal Truth---"Everything Looks Better On Fire"---
Dusting Crops Is Better Than Eating Seeds But I Think You Are A Spice Weasel
......insanity....
The teddy bear is a MOLE?...do you know how to trigger its activation...my bunny slippers are safe, aren't they...
---
A stitch in time won't close the hole in the ozone.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.